Sheep Farmer In Battle Potato Chased By Comet

The Federadion Navy Comet screamed as it entered warp. My associate had just located a Dominix class battleship engaging local Serpentis ships at a celestial in Hulmate. I’m certainly not an ally of the Serpentis, but I do like to help them every now and then, even though they seldom appreciate my efforts. I often find myself under fire while I’m grabbing the loot after an engagement where the Serpentis have been involved. Oh, I digress.

Well, I was in warp, towards this Dominix. Fellow Rebels and R1DERS had been informed as I was worried about my chances of breaking his tank all by myself.

I could have saved me the worries.

Gustav GrayMan > STOP!!!
Gustav GrayMan > let talk about price!!!
Saftsuze > how much did this ship cost you?
Gustav GrayMan > how mach you want!!!!
Saftsuze > 150 mill

When I really want a kill, I say 150 millions and hope for a no.

Gustav GrayMan > dont remember 0__o i have 25 milion
Gustav GrayMan > thats all may money
Saftsuze > why are you flying a ship that costs 150 milions to fit, then?
Gustav GrayMan > may fren give my money/ and say taht good sheep to farm

Now, wait a minute! A sheep farmer? Not in my back yard!

Gustav GrayMan > stop attaking my!!!/ im give you 20
Saftsuze > too little
Saftsuze > you will die
Gustav GrayMan > bastard! faking bastar!
Saftsuze > that is my profession, yes

Anno Dominix

A while back, I received a message from my associate that I had sent on a scouting mission to a low populated low sec pocket.

“Dominix piloted by a fresh student registered at the EVE University. He seems to be running a mission against the local Serpentis population. Permission to launch probes?"

"Of course you launch probes! I didn't tell you to spend all that time on those astrometric skills for probing down grav sites!"

My associate now had a lot better skills for probing than me. And also better equipment. The Dominix was pinpointed in deep space within two scan cycles - approximately 15 seconds. There was a very good chance this inexperienced battleship pilot had not noticed the probes. I was two jumps out in a Firetail. I would probably need backup. I should be able to keep my ship alive, but breaking his tank might be a challenge.

My cloaked associate sent me into warp from the stargate. I preheated my scrambler and afterburner and readied my overview for fighting drones. I landed 90 km off my target and started burning. 70 km. 50 km. 30. 20. 17 km. Activate targeting system. 14. Target locked and scrammed. I turn down the heat, settle for a tight orbit, activate tracking disruption and start working on the drones with my webifier and guns.

"Dominix tackled. I need help with the tank." The drones didn't hurt me, but tank was not breaking under my meager damage output.

However, there was no response in our corporate communication channels. Everybody was probably busy rebelling against something.

"Anyone?"

My fellow Hothead and later R1FTA-pilot, Tomba, had just plugged in his clone to the channel. "What? Where?"

A few minutes later he was warping in on us in a Thrasher-class destroyer. I was already negotiating terms for a possible ransom, but the battleship pilot was stalling and asking for more time to get the requested 150 million ISK transferred from his brother. Standard procedure would be to kill him as fast as possible because he could be stalling for the sole reason to get his backup rallied. But I accepted the delay for two reasons: First, if he came up with 150 millions in ransom, that would be a new record for me. Second, a newly recruited rebel was also on his way in an Incursus-class frigate, and if my customer failed to show me the money, what better way to welcome a new member than giving his blasters some action?

Sadly for the university student, he could not show me the ISK in time when I offered him the final deadline of 30 seconds. But while we waited, our fresh recruit had arrived the scene and he had brought camera drones with a recording script loaded in his control unit! You can watch the pretty explosion here [Disclaimer: Music might be considered offensive and NSFW].

The fresh rebel prospect sure didn’t apply a lot of damage, but it is the first time I have had such a catch recorded. And the fittings show that my 150 million demand was a quite reasonable one.

Who you gonna call? THE TUSKERS!

“Apocalypse Navy Issue tackled in Jovainnon Solar System.”

The message to The Tuskers is brief and to the point. Not mentioning my current state of bliss and uncontrollable endorphins. I try my best to act like a cool, cold-blooded killer. Not just some overheated hothead riding rusty Rifters.

Let’s backtrack a little. Two minutes earlier I arrived Jovainnon in my - big surprise - Rifter. It was one of those strange moments when nothing seems to make sense. I had an Apocalypse Navy Issue on my directional scanner. And only two pilots in the local communications channel - except yours truly.

An Apocalypse Navy Issue. In Jovainnon. The single system between Aeschee, home of big scary ships, and Hevrice, home of the notorious and always actively hunting Tuskers. This is not a system you want to bring your most expensive ships without any support. So, I figure, this must be some kind of intricate trap beyond my comprehension. And, usually when I find a single battleship in a low security system, it is on a mission from some dodgy agent. And then I will need to get probes. But, I do what I always do when I find something: I pinpoint it's location with the directional scanner.

It is in a belt. A solo Navy Issue battleship floating all alone in an asteroid belt!

This is where my brain kicks in and starts working. Against me. A Navy Issue Battleship working for CONCORD’s meagre bounties for the local Serpentis? This can’t be true. I smell a rat. I stall. I don’t warp in. Then slowly, my brain starts to work with me. I am next to The Tuskers home. A group of pirates I have locked horns with on many occasions, but also have called in for backup whenever a target of opportunity has appeared. They are bad news, but they can be trusted. I make my communication channel with The Tuskers ready for input, and hurl my Rifter towards the belt. Apocalypse! Now!

There it is. This giant construction, most certainly made by Matari slaves, stationed between the rocks doing CONCORD’s dirty work. I overheat my afterburner and warp scrambler and the blood-rush is like nothing else I’ve felt for a long time.

This is when The Tuskers are informed about the trapped battleship. They respond at once. Within a few seconds, and after a few downed Hobgoblins, I receive an official invite to a Tuskers fleet. I accept and the fleet jumps into system and it all happens so fast that for a moment, that I panic and think I’m in a pod. The damage on my shields has suddenly disappeared from my HUD! And that, for me, usually means my ship has been stripped off my capsule. Well. Not this time. This time, it was actually my first experience of being remotely repaired by a logistics ship. You see... I fly solo.

Then the Tuskers scary looking front-man and public “face”, Suleiman Shouaa, asks me if I want to ransom or kill. They sure live up to their reputation as pirates of honor: They have all the power to do whatever they want with me and the Battleship-pilot, but still they want me to make the decision. I go for the kill. The pod, however, decides to turn down the offered ransom, and in retrospect the demand was a bit too high. But, hey, this guy looked like he had lots of kredits to burn since he was cleaning low sec belts in a Navy Issue. So, the offered ransom was not out of the blue.

The Tuskers public face. Suleiman Shouaa.

Then, a very polite Suleiman Shouaa hauls the loot to the nearest station and contracts me all of it. What a bunch of clean and polite pirates!

So, there you have it. If you ever happen to stumble upon The Tuskers: Treat them with the respect they deserve and you shall be rewarded. This applies whether you are one of their unlucky customers, a fellow pirate of honor or a roaming scumbag scavenger like myself.

I wish the fleet good luck and warp to a safe to cool down and analyze my current situation. This month is turning out to be one of my most ISK efficient months ever. It started with a very big explosion when some fellow pirates of the Molden Heath loop had caught a Thanatos and invited everyone to participate in killing it. I was next door in a bomber and  managed to jump in and get a few volleys of torpedos into its burning hull. Then Alex “Jaguar God” Medvedov caught a Sleipnir but needed more damage to break its tank. I suicided a Rupture against it’s shields and armour and that made the difference and the loot value replaced my ship. And then I found the already mentioned Apocalypse Navy Issue. Add a few assault frigates and a battleship or two to the kill list, and you will understand I am having good times!

My associates are doing a good job with all kinds of endeavours, and even though I am loosing too many ships at the moment, the ISK situation is better than it has ever been before. So maybe it is time to order a stack of Jaguars?

The Milk Men and Their Bottleship

I was out looking for trouble, when one of The Milk Men, a milk delivery service corporation based in a backwater low sec pocket, and whose services I had been interrupting for a while, spoke out in the public local communication channel:

Zen RaKis > all kidding aside, that is indeed a sexy moustache

He was right, and boosted by this statement of the obvious, I felt rather invincible. I jumped into their headquarter system with my cursed Jaguar (those Jaguars dies on me all the time) looking for a treat of calsium.

When browsing the results of my 360 degrees scan of the central parts of the system, I almost jumped out of my pod when I got to the bottom result: An Abaddon Armageddon (see end note 3). In a system filled with fresh recruits! I narrow him down to a single belt, and sure thing: Here we have a bottleship serving the local Serpentis population milk and cookies! I warp in to get some too. I land almost right on top of him and start pounding him with projectiles and a few rockets on the side.

Drev Olacar > I am screwed lol

Well, I doubt it, because there is a lot of fellow Milk Men in system, and I know it is only a matter of time before they show up. His armor is however slowly withering away. Then, as I suspected, a Hurricane, a Myrmidon and a Caracal shows up on my scanner result. Oh well, I will keep on firing until they arrive: This guy deserves a lesson. And that Noble Exchange store needs to build up demand for new underwear!

But they don’t show up! I keep ripping off his armor plates and no backup shows up on my overview! Hell, I even get into his structure! What is taking them so long? Is there a Serpentis Baron demanding huge amounts of milk delivered? As the following conversation shows: He was indeed in need of new underwear as he kept giving his saviours the wrong location because he was too busy trying to save his new trousers and boots from his rather unpleasant accident.

I was so close to killing a battleship all by myself, so I decided to let my Jaguar be sacrificed to the Assault Ship Gods in a last effort to get the kill. With my guns overheated I exploded as the backup finally landed in the correct belt and sent my Jaguar to join my other Jaguars in Assault Ship Heaven.

Saftsuze > oh my god - that was sooo worth it
Saftsuze > THIS close to soloing a battleship :p
guzmancho > nice bro
Zen RaKis > lol get your sexy moustache out of here :P
guzmancho > i love his mustache =P
guzmancho > hes a cool pirate =P
Zen RaKis > it is truly a thing of beauty
Saftsuze > Drev Olacar - need new underpants? Too bad the Noble Exchange aint got any yet!
White Bear Maricadie > lol
guzmancho > ripped =P
Saftsuze > :D
Zen RaKis > damn it now he is all skully, skully scares me o_O
Drev Olacar > hehe I was so out of my league : )
Saftsuze > You will learn, kid. We have all been there :)
Drev Olacar > you got my adrenaline up that is for sure : )
Zen RaKis > hey at least he wasn't trying to tank a pvp Rifter in a Retriever
Zen RaKis > that doesn't work in case you were wondering o_O
guzmancho > lol
Drev Olacar > nope I leave that to you Zen : )
Saftsuze > Isnt it a beauty? The adrenaline?! I have it too :D
guzmancho > :)
Drev Olacar > having a post coital cigarette now : )
White Bear Maricadie > lol
Saftsuze > Man, I love you Milk Men, you provide vitamins for us pirates with scurvy :)
guzmancho > =P
guzmancho > we also privde the guns and ammo and ships =P
Saftsuze > But guys, you shouldve let me finish off that battleship. It wouldve been my pride kill of all times andDrev Olacar wouldve learned a lesson!
guzmancho > that you use against us >< :D Saftsuze > The EVE economy in a nutshell :D
guzmancho > he has not to give wrong belt liek 4 times =P
Saftsuze > I was wondering why you guys took so long _ LOL
guzmancho > hehe
White Bear Maricadie > 1 more wrong belt and you would of had him

ONE MORE WRONG BELT AND I WOULD’VE HAD HIM!


End note 1:
After this episode I started flying around in a Dramiel. And sure thing: When flying an overpowered ship (in a few days I killed a couple of faction frigates with ease), I get corrupted and start feeling overpowered myself and think I can get away from anything. Well, I am glad that the Milk Men got some nice drops from me so they can continue keeping me fully stocked with milk and cookies and happy hunting times.


End note 2:
After my Dramiel loss I was going back to Rifters. I had a few laying around with a new fitting I wanted to try. However, on my way back in my pod to pick them up I noticed a Dominix in a mission. I quickly got a probing ship and pinpointed him. Now, the only viable ship in my hanger to kill it with was a Dramiel! So back into a Dramiel I go, and boom goes my first solo battleship kill! Of course it would've been a lot more stylish in a Rifter, but there was not time to get one.


End note 3:
After showing mr. Drev Olacar this heroic tale of my doomed Jaguar, he made me aware that it was his Armageddon I had attacked and not an Abaddon. Well, there you go, I've barely stuck my pod into a cruiser, so how would I know the difference? Anyway, it was a big big battleship!