Wednesday, December 11, 2013

The Delicious Pod Goo Shake

Blog Banter 51: From Druur Monakh (Twitter: @DruurMonakh) we get the topic of this banter: what was your most nail-biting experience in EVE Online so far? It could be PvP in a 1v1 or 1000v1000, your first fight or your latest one, a scam so close to being uncovered too soon, a trap almost sprung on an unsuspecting victim or the roles reversed and you desperately try to escape.

  • 1 frigate sized ship of your preference
  • 1 battlecruiser sized asteroid belt cleaner with large drone bay
  • 1 low security space solar system with a pinch of traffic going through
  • 20 or more light scout drones, Tech II versions
  • A solid dash of the local pirate population of your region

Make sure you don't wet
yourself when making
the Pod Goo Shake.
A little sweat is fine,
 but nobody wants
a yellow shake.
  1. Engage the battlecruiser in a belt with your little frigate. For the most excitement, this should be a standard, non-faction T1 frigate within a reasonable price when it comes to fittings. Faction frigates and T2 frigates will also work, but the shakes from these are a little less satisfying.
  2. The perfect condition for the best shakes is in a solar system with just the right amount of traffic going through. It is when the fear of interruption blends with the micromanagement of your modules and directional scanner, you get the optimum aroma developing in your shake.
  3. Belt cleaners tend to fit their ships with low quality raw materials, but a big drone bay will make up for the bad tracking of their T1 guns. If you happen to find a Myrmidon with more than 20 Hobgoblin IIs, then you will get a shake sweeter than Sugar Kyle. The challenge of beating wave after wave of drones makes your clone release adrenaline into your pod goo for a longer time than in a frigate vs. frigate fight and thus makes the shake taste so much better. Especially the aftertaste.
  4. As a topping you may add a few Serpentis ships that will force you to consider your targets: The battlecruiser itself, the drones or the Serpentis? This will make your palms sweaty and thus inject a little salty touch to the goo in your pod.
  5. When all ingredients have been blended into a beautiful huge explosion, dock your ship and eject your capsule into the hangar. Your pod will now be filled with a very tasty goo-shake. The physical shakes of your clone have blended the adrenaline, sweat and pod goo into a mixture best served at body temperature. But, if you prefer and if you managed to grab a frozen corpse, you might use this as an ice cube.

Monday, December 9, 2013

The Stranded Whale

The most common species to mass strand are pilot whales. Potillot Mumnier, researcher at University of Caille, says until more research is done on the behaviour of pilot whales before and after stranding, these events are likely to remain a mystery. "It is an enigma. This is the word that best describes it," says Mumnier.
Clipping from Journal of Temperate Planet Sealife Research, University of Caille

As I undock from Hulmate station, I have already concluded that the not yet graduated pilot must be somewhere in space, based on the guest registration list in the station. My hunch is, based on this pilot's short history as a capsuleer, that she is in a Venture class mining frigate, trying to grab some jaspet with the false sense of safety this warp core stabilized ship gives inexperienced pilots. Most youngsters don't have enough knowledge about tanking or spaceship physics to actually make good use of their stabilizers, so I often enjoy them as a sort of light snack for my hungry demons. I was expecting such a snack as I undocked.

Huh? No Venture? A Moros? What is a Moros? Is that one of those new specialized haulers? What the hell! It's a dreadnaught? Where is it! Where is it? In a belt? Warp drives active. No. On a gate? Yes! On a hisec gate? Yes! What The Fuck Is Happening Here?

A dread can't jump into hisec. I know that. Hell, can it even use gates? I desperately ask in all my open channels.

I close in, align towards the closest belt, fire a swarm of rockets and warp off as the gate guns start targeting me. I send a blessing to those who managed to hack CONCORD's central memory system so that gates now forget your most recent transgressions. I land among the asteroids, turn my Kestrel around and initiate warp at once. I am shaking. I ready my emergency call in all the pirate channels as I am in warp back to the gate: “Moros tackled on Deninard gate in Hulmate! Need more damage!”. Locked. Scrammed. YES! Scramble your spaceships, fellow pirates! Come to Hulmate!

And vultures start pouring into system. They all want a piece of this stranded whale. At a hisec beach, caught in a lowsec surf. Not able to swim or dive. Slowly dying from the scavengers thousand bites.

And we all wonder why. Why? It is an enigma.

Then we all leave in peace. Our demons have feasted on the carcass of a stranded whale. They will be satisfied for days now.

1) A look at the official report of the incident reveals that I could have soloed it. I COULD HAVE SOLOED A DREAD IN A T1 FRIG! If none had interrupted and my associates had brought ammo, that is... What a battle report it would've been! But of course it wouldn't have been possible. I did the right thing, calling for help. I did, didn’t I?
2) A possible theory to why this whale stranded could be the following: A young pilot amass huge amounts of ISK. Either through selling PLEX or from a friend. But she does not acquire the same amount of information on ship classes and abilities. She has many many ISKies, and sees a Moros for sale in Hulmate. This is the most expensive ship she can buy and she rush out from the comfort of hisec to get it. But she wants to get it back to hisec as soon as possible and warp to the gate she came from. That is when she realizes it will not jump through. And that is when I undock. With her head buried in the very complex user manual that is hidden in the Moros glove compartment she suddenly realizes there is a tiny little Kestrel buzzing around her outside. Strange, she thinks, why would such a small and cheap ship attack an expensive giant like me? Then she gets a lesson never to be forgotten. But will she learn from it?

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Inner Beauty

Dr Wilson > Saftsuze I love you
Dr Wilson > Fucking love you
Saftsuze > Hmm, I'm not sure I am ready to return such words already, but thanks!
Dr Wilson > You have the best mustache ever!
Saftsuze > I am pleased with my facial hair, myself, yes, so thanks for that!

Then I docked up and cried a little. Nobody sees my inner beauty. I am just an object. I refuse to be objectified!