Thursday, December 18, 2014

Home System Hellcamped

Just a quick note OOC:

Yup, it is that time of year when family comes first first and this year they all invade my home system as well. That means I am camped in planetside from now and until the beginning of January. Very little flying in space from now and until then. See you later!

Feel free to browse my old posts: They are all personal tales of adventure and very few has an expiry date stamped on them.

o7 Saftsuze

Friday, December 12, 2014


So, I bought some white pants. Gold and white actually, from some odd Amarrian mysticist that had been cloaked in enemy space for five years practicing the ancient art known to the connoisseurs as “AFK Cloaking”. But, I digress, this odd space Buddha sold me his fancy pants and I also found a white tank top from some hipster shop in Jita 4-4. Yeah, not the 4-4 all mainstreamers go to, no, the other 4-4. Anyway, not really important where I got these clothes from, the important thing is that finally I had an all white outfit! I tried them on, and damn if I wasn’t the most handsome MF this side of Jove-space! Time to find some white sandals to go with this outfit. No luck. No sandals. And no white shoes at all? No. Nothing. Well, I’ll go for the yoga style barefoot look, then. No problem.

Mr. Fancypants and his sexy bare arms.
And look at those toes! Rrrrr!
Not sure about those non-functional hipster glasses,
but the top is just perfect I think.

But, when I was leaving the changing room, an alarm sounded and a message was sort of chanted to me in a cold Caldari accent: “Stop! In the name of the Caldari Fashion Police! Stop! You can’t leave the room, without some proper boots! Stop! Go buy some shoes, you don’t wanna look like a poor Minmatar bag lady!” I tried to stop it. I tried remotely accessing the hacking module in my ship's cargo hold to see if I could find a way to bypass the Caldari Fashion Control System. But there was no way. The door would not open unless I put on some shoes. But I refused to add black boots to this relaxed and casual zen-sex outfit. It was just plain wrong.

So I put on the good old outfit again and was finally allowed out of the changing room. 

Seriously, the Council of Stellar Management must take this to their overlords and demand some serious fashion freedom! I am a goddamn Gallente with a free spirit! I must be allowed my bare feet if I so choose to? I am butt naked in the pod anyway! And if bare feet is not allowed, at least give us some white sandals! Some more white stuff! CSM, WE WANT WHITE WEARABLES!

I am going to send this report to Sugar Kyle, a very much respected CSM representative so she can see for herself how my free spirit is being limited by the fascist fashion police forces of New Eden. Something has to be done!

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The White Virgin

The mechanic looked rather uncertain. Looking for something on the hangar floor. Just anything to keep his eyes from meeting mine.

“A bit uncomfortable being alone with handsome men, are we?”

He coughed and stuttered:

“No, no, boss, I am just surprised to hear your plans for this vessel. We are just more used to work with less ... ehm—”

“Criminal captains?”

“—uh, well, thats your words, captain."

“Dont worry, ... Sins, was it?”

“Yes, captain. Cins with a C for short. Blique Cins is full name, sir.”

“Bleak Sins, well, we will have to work on that, I guess.”

I paused. I had fired the rest of the crew when I bought this Astero. They were all highly skilled scientists specialized in hacking and archaeology. But I just needed a guy to make sure my mods did not burn out, and to help with refitting and loot scooping. My exploration goals were not cracking up old containers—I wanted to crack open some fresh hulls!

“Well, Sins, we are gonna continue to use this vessel for exploration. Just be ready to explore her capabilities under fire as well. That is why we will bring more than just hacking modules. In those containers over there we have extra drones, excellent Minmatar and Gallente quality light drones. We have tracking disruptors and extra scramblers and drone interfacing modules and a variety of armor hardeners and resist boosters. And that thing over there, that is our Beauty Parlor!

The mechanic blushed. He was not the metrosexual type.

“You know, when our lady in white needs to brush up a bit!”

Of course he knew what the packaged installation was. It was a mobile depot for refitting and short term storage. He tried to get the conversation back to technicalities.

“Have you remembered to order scripts for the disruptor? And sufficient probes?”

“Everything should be there, but it is your job to do the check lists. And do not forget those crates over there, there is some quality non-augmented old fashioned dry Prosecco from Luminaire in there."

I was already looking forward to the out of pod moments in deep space when I could take a shower, and sink into the white leather couch and red velvet pillows with a glass of bubbly white. The gravity system on the Astero really gave you that sink-into-the-couch-feeling. Sins snapped me out of my daydreaming.

“Excellent, I'll get right to it, boss!”

He ran away. Relieved to get started on his work. I turned around and looked at the newly acquired Astero exploration vessel. Anastasia. That was her name. She was a beauty in white. She looked so innocent.

A few days later. In Amoen. Anastasia is cloaked in an asteroid belt:

“Look at that, Sins! Time to explore the hull strength of Anastasia!”

“But... it is a Vexor class cruiser, sir! Do you know how many drones can be stuck inside that drone bay?”

His voice was cracking.

“Oh yes, Sins, but look at the drones he is using. A mixed bag of crap. And look at this report from BattleClinic: This capsuleer has a history of bad choices. That is what matters, Sins, that is what matters! Let's warp to a safe and whip out that Beauty Parlor!”

The time to anchor the damn thing took forever.

“Get the tracking disruptor ready for installation. Remove one of the webs. I want to avoid damage from the blasters so we can fully concentrate on the drones.

“Eh.. Sir, we don't have a disruptor... only the scripts—”

“What! I told you to pack—”

“But it was not on the list—”

“Well, you should have put it on the list, then! Oh, whatever, dump all our cargo in the depot and let's do this the dual web style.

“But can we do that? Will we sur—”

“Shut up and do your job!”

One warp later.

“We are already loosing a lot of armor, captain!”

I was laughing. Almost crying. My hands were shaking. The blood boiling.

“I told you we were going to explore the hull, didn't i? Just make sure everything is working and i'll make sure it is we that warp out and not that fucking Vexor!”

I know I sounded less than sane.

“Easy for you to say, you have a hydrostatic capsule wrapped around you.”

Armor warnings were screaming and I was concentrating hard on targeting the drones.

“What was that, Sins?”

“Nothing, sir. Nothing.”

It was quiet. And beautiful. Just the distant sound of drones hitting the mobile tractor unit. The sunlight gleaming around the silhouettes of the asteroids. Anastasia in her coat of white nano membrane.

“I thought… I was sure we—uh, I—was gonna die.”

Cins was sitting on a crate in the cargo hold. He was sweaty. Still shaking.

“That is a great feeling, isn’t it!”

He threw up on the container wall next to him.

“I love exploration! Now, clean up that mess and get ready to organize the loot from the Vexor. That damned tractor unit scooped it all. And, yeah, leave the corpse in space, I am not collecting anymore.”

He threw up again.

Anastasia's innocence was lost.

Hey, look, she even matches my jacket!

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

The New Star of New Eden

There is a new bright star in New Eden. I found this story in a big black skill book from the Gideon Corporation that was laying in my Captain's Quarter:

The Third Account

In those days Caesar Mittani issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire New Eden Cluster. This was the first census that took place while a Goon was governor of Deklein. And everyone went to their own starting system to register.

So Joseph Capbuilder also jumped up from the system of Nazhgete in Derelik to Tash-Murkon Prime, because he belonged to the house and line of Tash-Murkon. He went there to register with Mary Hauler, who was pledged to be his alt and was expecting a noob. While they were there, the time came for the noob to leave the clone vat, and she gave 10 million ISK to the third alt, a son. She installed some learning implants in him and placed him in a separate Captain’s Quarter, because there was no room available for more than one capsuleer in each Captain’s Quarter.

And there were some miners living out in the asteroid fields nearby, keeping watch over their precious rocks all night. An Angel of the Cartel appeared to them, and the glory of the Cartel shone around them, and they were terrified. But the Angel Cartel Commander said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the capsuleers. Today in the star system of Tash-Murkon Prime a Noob has been born to you; he is The Third Account, a saviour of CCP. This will be a sign to you: You will find a noob boarded in his noobship and ship spinning in a hangar.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the Angel Cartel Commander, praising CCP and saying,

“Glory to CCP in the highest north, and in New Eden peace to those on whom their favor rests.”

When the Angels had left them and warped into space, the miners said to one another, “Let’s go to Tash-Murkon Prime and see this thing that has happened, which CCP has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary Hauler and Joseph Capbuilder, and The Third Acount, a noob, who was ship spining in the hangar. When they had seen him, they spammed all open chat channels concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who read it LOLed and WTFed at what the miners said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in one of her jumpclones. The miners returned, glorifying and praising CCP for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

The Men Who Stare at Boats

The Upper Lip Finesse new elite group of New Age Warriors has been formed. They, well, I, spend an enormous amount of time just meditating in deep wormhole space. I am trying to focus all the energy in the universe to create that perfect moment in space and time where a stealth bomber gets to uncloak and launch it’s torpedoes at a viable target. In order to do this, a lot of time has to be spent levitating above enemy starbases staring at other space ships. Sometimes I feel they can feel me being there.

My mental powers trying to slip through the POS shields.
And this transcendental strategy is paying off. The first wreckages from mental and torpedo power have already (well, “already” is of course a relative term in transcendental practice) been achieved. Although I have yet to make the enemy explode from my thoughts alone, I am certain I will reach that point one day. Because, as I said, I feel that they can feel me staring at them. And when you feel something strong enough it will start to hurt.

Today Upper Lip Finesse awarded me the Bad Boy Space Buddha medal for excellence in the New Age Warrior service: “Awarded for extensive period of cloaked meditation in deep transcendental wormhole space resulting in glorious and explosive enlightenment of other ship.”

OK, I admit it, I took some time off from the meditation to create a medal. 

Hm. Maybe I’ll make another one as well? Then get back to meditation? 

Yeah, just one more.

Space Buddha out.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Sneaking Pirate, Hidden Moustache

All that we are is the result of what we have thought.
The mind is everything.
What we think we become.
a terran thinker called Buddha
It is something I have tried to do a lot of times. But my patience was never there. The adrenaline junkie always craving action. Always warping to the next possible kill. Always roaming. Constant movement.

Now I am still. I am quiet. I am contemplating and observing. I am learning. I am chasing while sitting still, I am moving without effort.

Among Sleepers I shall be the awaken one.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

The Criminal Comeback Timer

The last post I wrote before I unplugged from my pod for an extended planetary vacation was about patience. I feel it is a very relevant read as I am now returning to the New Eden space lanes.

I am trying to take it slow. Not to burn the candle in both ends - or dual prop as we capsuleers call it. I spend more time ordering my associates around. Making an effort to get a feel for all the aspects of capsuleer life. I have also moved all my associates into low security space. My uncle Earl is busy shutting down his shop in Aeschee and my more clandestine industrial organisation started the low sec move over a year ago. Inspired by my CSM representative, Sugar Kyle, I have embraced the low sec lifestyle for all my pilots. But all in slow motion. There is no rush.

I have liquefied my assets and I am in the process of training up for more jump clones. A big shout out to Suleiman Shouaa's jump clone service in Hevrice. A great place to reinvent yourself when flashing red without any standings to speak of. The plan now, is to operate from one location and only buy a few ships and fittings every time the hangar is empty.  New Eden is changing faster than ever and almost 90 percent of my ships was utterly useless when I came back. Hence the liquefying process.

There are interesting events in low security space as well. With the very profitable Mordus Legion lurking combined with the security tag carrying clone ships, there should be more bounty hunters scouring the belts. I know I will spend more time in belts. And one of my associates have already lost a ship to the Legion. Fascinating. I almost got the shakes from that experience. With a belt rat!
Some colleagues have also reported that the militia pilots have hardened up and swapped the warp core stabs with damage upgrades. And it seems so, as I have had a few good fights in factional warfare space as well the last few months. Although, I still prefer the untainted free-of-politics-low-sec-space.I feel there is more potential for adventure there. Like finding a stranded whale. Or kill Santha! Hunt down a battle sheep. Make a shake. Have some sexytime.

Well. Finding adventure takes time. Be patient and there might come a new tale from the travelling moustache wax salesman.

Monday, March 17, 2014

How To Become A Pirate: Patience.

A gentleman contacted me from the other side of the universe. I accepted the call and what follows is a slightly edited version of our talk. Some content has been taken out, some polishing has been done on spelling and structure, but it should not have affected the content.

Sal Corleone > Greetings!
Saftsuze > What may I help you with? Facial hair growth treatment?
Sal Corleone > I had a conversation with you yesterday through my associate.
Saftsuze > Ah! It’s you!
Sal Corleone > I downloaded and read a copy of your log “The Criminal Countdown Lounge”
Saftsuze > I am glad to hear that. Did you find entertainment?
Sal Corleone > You have converted me! I have decided to become a pirate - a well groomed and attired one at that.
Saftsuze > Sir, I am very happy to hear that!
Sal Corleone > I may ask you for advice on pirating once in a while, if you would be so kind with assistance?
Saftsuze > No problem! My first advice: You will lose a lot of ships.
Sal Corleone > I’m going to build my first pirate ship now. An Incursus-class frigate.
Saftsuze > Excellent choice. I have more than 400 losses now. 250 of them is probably from my first 3-6 months as a pirate. And the 100 first are probably that very same class of frigates: Incursus.
Sal Corleone > Losing ships won’t bother me. I have a rich benefactor.
Saftsuze > Excellent. So do I. Well, not very rich, but he keeps me in frigates. My uncle Earl runs a shop called Guns & Banjos in Aeschee - go visit him should you ever need anything while in low sec.
Sal Corleone > I think I have enough to support my losses for a while.
Saftsuze > Excellent. Isk is one thing. Another is pride and self confidence. You will lose quite a lot of them as well, so keep them stocked as well. And patience. Did I mention patience? I run out of it all the time. Number one killer of my ships.


Sal Corleone > I won’t bug you anymore tonight, but thanks for talking.
Saftsuze > No worries, mate. Any time. Join 'The Autocannon' as well. One of the most important assets for a solo pirate is to have other solo pirate friends. But if you get over the psychological and financial obstacles - being a solo pirate is the best life you can choose in this universe. I would highly recommend joining a solo pirate corp like Black Dragon Fighting Society - and later earn yourself a black jacket from the Black Rebel Rifter Club.

And with some pleasantries the conversation ended. I am looking forward to hear from him a few months from now. I’m sure he will have ships enough. But patience? And self confidence? My spirit has been overheated and burnt out many times.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Making A Name For Myself

The Moustache Mystery Man
A questionable scumbag with the name of Rixx Javix has included me in his Pirate Trading Card collection. I must admit I feel more honored than I had thought I would. To be honest I did not believe I would make it into the collection. I sure was hoping. I have to admit that, even though I tend to look to Rixx more for popcorn-friendly drama than honorable recognition. But he sure is one hell of a contributor to the general capsuleer population and I am one big sucker for compliments and recognition. 

And Rixx really deserves recognition for his work. Relentless provider of content. Both for planetside and in-capsule consumption.

So. I would love nothing more than to give Rixx Javix a well deserved armortherapy and some deep structure peeling. Free of charge with love from Upper Lip Finesse. I'll probably end up with a sore clone, though.

And my name? It sure is a mystery.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Very Important Customer

I had been chasing a pair of sexy lips for a while, but they were slipping away all the time. Then suddenly they changed their mind and embraced my hard Kestrel of love. Instant karma.

Now, in this intense moment of intimacy, a whole fleet comes bursting through the gates of Onne. They are old corp mates of mine:
sexylips2012 Gaterau > gf
Brink Albosa >Saftsuze o/
Saftsuze > gf
Merk Stainz >Saftsuze o/
Lucas Padecain >Saftsuze o/
Saftsuze > o7 riftas
sexylips2012 Gaterau > Hahaha you called all them for me
Saftsuze > heh, yeah
sexylips2012 Gaterau > noob bye any wAYS
Saftsuze > she mad
Some customers really think highly of themselves.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Life In The Upper Lip League

So, there has been some trouble lately, in my favorite holoreel reality show: “Real Life”. The main character got a rather serious illness and there was a lot going on in his life in general as well. So I've been glued to the holoreeler for a few months and not plugged my clone to a capsule for a long time. So Upper Lip Finesse got a rough start. Or rather not a start at all. But, it seems most of the drama in “Real Life” is over for now, the main character is alive and well and I finally have more time to spend in space!

So, with more time to spend, why not spend some more ISK as well? A lot of fun for a lot of ISK. That’s how we play it here in Upper Lip Finesse. It’s a hedonist lifestyle with focus on beauty and pleasure and magnificent explosions. There is nothing like a close shave with a blingy blade!

Friday, January 10, 2014

Upper Lip Finesse

An era is over. I have left my beloved Black Rebel Rifter Club and all the R1DERs. There is no dramatic rage or intrigues involved in this, it is rather a result of a slow enlightenment process and a lot of looks in the mirror. Who am I? The Rebels have shaped me into what I am: The most handsome scumbag New Eden has ever seen. 

And a loner to the bone. Even when I could join fleets in R1DER I often chose not to. But now I cannot even turn them down, because of the new schedule and timezone of my favorite holoreel show “Real Life”. So I came to realize that I had little reason to stay in R1FTA. My friends in R1FTA is in all my public communication channels anyway.

It was time put my perfectly haired clone into some good use. To give back to the community in low security space. To help their clones to achieve the same level of sexiness as yours truly. I had to do it. Open up my own beauty shop. So, welcome to:

Beauty Parlor for the Low Sec Gentleman.
Special services:
  • Shield and deep structure peeling.
  • Laser removal of unwanted hairy fittings.
  • Armortherapy.
  • Express tanning at zero at the sun.
  • Pedicure for nail biting frigate pilots.
Free Moustache Waxing and Trimming for every appointment. We recommend using Saftsuze’s Special Nanite Wax™ with Energized Pro Nano-Vitamins Formula® for extra shine and volume.

Hope to see you around!