Wednesday, December 11, 2013

The Delicious Pod Goo Shake

Blog Banter 51: From Druur Monakh (Twitter: @DruurMonakh) we get the topic of this banter: what was your most nail-biting experience in EVE Online so far? It could be PvP in a 1v1 or 1000v1000, your first fight or your latest one, a scam so close to being uncovered too soon, a trap almost sprung on an unsuspecting victim or the roles reversed and you desperately try to escape.

  • 1 frigate sized ship of your preference
  • 1 battlecruiser sized asteroid belt cleaner with large drone bay
  • 1 low security space solar system with a pinch of traffic going through
  • 20 or more light scout drones, Tech II versions
  • A solid dash of the local pirate population of your region

Make sure you don't wet
yourself when making
the Pod Goo Shake.
A little sweat is fine,
 but nobody wants
a yellow shake.
  1. Engage the battlecruiser in a belt with your little frigate. For the most excitement, this should be a standard, non-faction T1 frigate within a reasonable price when it comes to fittings. Faction frigates and T2 frigates will also work, but the shakes from these are a little less satisfying.
  2. The perfect condition for the best shakes is in a solar system with just the right amount of traffic going through. It is when the fear of interruption blends with the micromanagement of your modules and directional scanner, you get the optimum aroma developing in your shake.
  3. Belt cleaners tend to fit their ships with low quality raw materials, but a big drone bay will make up for the bad tracking of their T1 guns. If you happen to find a Myrmidon with more than 20 Hobgoblin IIs, then you will get a shake sweeter than Sugar Kyle. The challenge of beating wave after wave of drones makes your clone release adrenaline into your pod goo for a longer time than in a frigate vs. frigate fight and thus makes the shake taste so much better. Especially the aftertaste.
  4. As a topping you may add a few Serpentis ships that will force you to consider your targets: The battlecruiser itself, the drones or the Serpentis? This will make your palms sweaty and thus inject a little salty touch to the goo in your pod.
  5. When all ingredients have been blended into a beautiful huge explosion, dock your ship and eject your capsule into the hangar. Your pod will now be filled with a very tasty goo-shake. The physical shakes of your clone have blended the adrenaline, sweat and pod goo into a mixture best served at body temperature. But, if you prefer and if you managed to grab a frozen corpse, you might use this as an ice cube.

Monday, December 9, 2013

The Stranded Whale

The most common species to mass strand are pilot whales. Potillot Mumnier, researcher at University of Caille, says until more research is done on the behaviour of pilot whales before and after stranding, these events are likely to remain a mystery. "It is an enigma. This is the word that best describes it," says Mumnier.
Clipping from Journal of Temperate Planet Sealife Research, University of Caille

As I undock from Hulmate station, I have already concluded that the not yet graduated pilot must be somewhere in space, based on the guest registration list in the station. My hunch is, based on this pilot's short history as a capsuleer, that she is in a Venture class mining frigate, trying to grab some jaspet with the false sense of safety this warp core stabilized ship gives inexperienced pilots. Most youngsters don't have enough knowledge about tanking or spaceship physics to actually make good use of their stabilizers, so I often enjoy them as a sort of light snack for my hungry demons. I was expecting such a snack as I undocked.

Huh? No Venture? A Moros? What is a Moros? Is that one of those new specialized haulers? What the hell! It's a dreadnaught? Where is it! Where is it? In a belt? Warp drives active. No. On a gate? Yes! On a hisec gate? Yes! What The Fuck Is Happening Here?

A dread can't jump into hisec. I know that. Hell, can it even use gates? I desperately ask in all my open channels.

I close in, align towards the closest belt, fire a swarm of rockets and warp off as the gate guns start targeting me. I send a blessing to those who managed to hack CONCORD's central memory system so that gates now forget your most recent transgressions. I land among the asteroids, turn my Kestrel around and initiate warp at once. I am shaking. I ready my emergency call in all the pirate channels as I am in warp back to the gate: “Moros tackled on Deninard gate in Hulmate! Need more damage!”. Locked. Scrammed. YES! Scramble your spaceships, fellow pirates! Come to Hulmate!

And vultures start pouring into system. They all want a piece of this stranded whale. At a hisec beach, caught in a lowsec surf. Not able to swim or dive. Slowly dying from the scavengers thousand bites.

And we all wonder why. Why? It is an enigma.

Then we all leave in peace. Our demons have feasted on the carcass of a stranded whale. They will be satisfied for days now.

1) A look at the official report of the incident reveals that I could have soloed it. I COULD HAVE SOLOED A DREAD IN A T1 FRIG! If none had interrupted and my associates had brought ammo, that is... What a battle report it would've been! But of course it wouldn't have been possible. I did the right thing, calling for help. I did, didn’t I?
2) A possible theory to why this whale stranded could be the following: A young pilot amass huge amounts of ISK. Either through selling PLEX or from a friend. But she does not acquire the same amount of information on ship classes and abilities. She has many many ISKies, and sees a Moros for sale in Hulmate. This is the most expensive ship she can buy and she rush out from the comfort of hisec to get it. But she wants to get it back to hisec as soon as possible and warp to the gate she came from. That is when she realizes it will not jump through. And that is when I undock. With her head buried in the very complex user manual that is hidden in the Moros glove compartment she suddenly realizes there is a tiny little Kestrel buzzing around her outside. Strange, she thinks, why would such a small and cheap ship attack an expensive giant like me? Then she gets a lesson never to be forgotten. But will she learn from it?

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Inner Beauty

Dr Wilson > Saftsuze I love you
Dr Wilson > Fucking love you
Saftsuze > Hmm, I'm not sure I am ready to return such words already, but thanks!
Dr Wilson > You have the best mustache ever!
Saftsuze > I am pleased with my facial hair, myself, yes, so thanks for that!

Then I docked up and cried a little. Nobody sees my inner beauty. I am just an object. I refuse to be objectified!

Thursday, November 28, 2013

The Moustache is Back

Well, I've had a long break due to some worn out hardware in my camera drones. Now they have been replaced with shiny new ones and New Eden is as magnificent as ever!

What is more beautiful than a dead miner?

And I’ve already served several happy customers, so the demand for pirate scumbags like yours truly seems as high as ever.

One honorable mention goes to this Enyo pilot who was rather flabbergasted by the impossible fight he met when he chose to lock horns with my Kestrel:

Thank you for the honourable combat
From: Boloskarl Hekard
Sent: 2013.11.28 16:33
To: Saftsuze 
Per our recent engagement, I cannot help but express my impressions of the encounter that we shared. I have no choice but to tip my hat in admiration at your flying prowess. I was certain that if I could get in range I would destroy you, but you proved otherwise with your range control and rockets.  
I commend you and congratulate you on the latest victory (albeit, at my expense).
Until our next encounter, 
Boloskarl Hekard
And my reply:

Re: Thank you for the honourable combat
From: Saftsuze
Sent: 2013.11.28 18:03
To: Boloskarl Hekard 
Dear sir, 
Thank you very much for your honorable response to our encounter. I am deeply sorry for the lack of a good fight greeting in the local communications channel. I have just recently returned to the space lanes after a forced break due to some old hardware in my camera drones. Thus, being rusty, my hands were shaking too much from the threat of the watching Taranis (sick dude!) and the whole situation, that I did not manage to type in the correct commands before your capsule exploded. I was about to write such an evemail as this myself, but got interrupted be communication from my home planet. So, I was very pleased to find this in my inbox as I returned to my quarters. I will now regard you as an honorable space combatant whenever I should happen to see you around. 
If I may be so bold to point out an area of improvement for your Enyo, I would suggest bringing a long range ammunition such as Null S for situations like this. 
As we say in Black Rebel Rifter Club when our Rifters crash and burn: "At least I had Barrage in my hold". 
o7 Saftsuze

Yes, there was actually a Taranis pilot watching us from 137 km. That warped off and left system. Sick!

Well. I am back. And I will be back with more log entries.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Apples And Oranges

Saftsuze > Salutations!
Badjurk Espressoh > Why the fuck did you do that for?
Saftsuze > To get your stuff and to see a big explosion!
Badjurk Espressoh > Yeah, because I had a lot of stuff, huh?
Saftsuze > Maybe not a lot, but it all adds up.
Badjurk Espressoh > Not a lot? I had none!
Saftsuze > Strip Miner I - this module I just got from you.
Badjurk Espressoh > Yeah, and you just cost me about 30 million ISK.
Saftsuze > And you just made me a couple of millions and got to see an explosion!
Badjurk Espressoh > Yes, and you're a dick.

Saftsuze > Oh no, I am most certainly not a dick, I am a most handsome pirate.
Saftsuze > I do have a dick, though.
Badjurk Espressoh > No, you are a dick. You make people lose all their stuff without checking what they even have, just for a couple of ISK. Three million ISK is one mining run. Go do some factional warfare if you're such a handsome pirate.
Saftsuze > Why on Luminaire would i do that?
Badjurk Espressoh > Because people there can actually fight back.
Saftsuze > But I like explosions and other peoples stuff!
Badjurk Espressoh > Yes. That means you're a dick.

Saftsuze > No, a dick is used for sex and urinating, and I am exploding and stealing.
Saftsuze > Oh. You have left me.
Saftsuze > I am all alone.

* Log slightly edited for your reading pleasure. No change of meaning and content.

Monday, April 15, 2013

I've Caught A Nasty Cough

My moustache was smoother than in a long time. I was in a fresh clone, straight from the clone vat showers. Those damn R1FTA-mates had brought me and my Gistii-afterburner-fitted Comet into a slaughter of an engagement that obviously was heavily depending on having a microwarpdrive fitted. So, I was left in a low security system far from home and with no ship wrapped around my pod. I took the expressway back home by self destructing my capsule. Hence, my fresh and smooth moustache. Yeah, I was feeling sexy.

But these days, feeling confident ain’t enough. The moment I see the factional control level in my solar system report, I get sick and want to dock up and cry into my pillow. So, today I avoided the war zone completely and turned my ship towards a former favourite pocket of mine: Atlulle.

And finally magic happened. There it was. The sight that makes a solo frigate fighter ecstatic: Another frigate. In a belt. It was a Retribution. I was in a Firetail. It was time to have some shooting time. Among rocks! What a refreshing feeling it was.

I warped in with preheated guns, afterburner, scrambler and web, but landed 30 km off him. And he had a microwarpdrive fitted.

Spiritenzo > You're in a firetail
Spiritenzo > and you could not catch me?

I warped off to a planet in order to warp back to belt at range. He followed. I warped back to belt, he followed. I repeated. He repeated. We both finally landed in the belt again. He burned out of range. And just couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

Spiritenzo > *cough* too slow

I kept my cool. I mean, I was obviously hotter than this bearded bastard, but I was concentrating on spatial awareness as the pros call it. I kept following him at slow speed. Cocky pilots do stupid things. Trust me, I have experience. And just as predicted: He started closing in on me again. I preheated the mid rack and approached him slowly, then at 20 km I hit the afterburner and burned! 17! 16! 15! 14! 13 km! Activate web! Spam scram! Spam scram!

He stopped coughing.

Saftsuze > *cough* someone needs to cut down on talk, and walk the walk

A Harpy showed up on scan. I grabbed the loot and warped off. I walk the walk in a running fashion when backup arrives.

Spiritenzo > I was orbiting the BS you when you caught me
Spiritenzo > I was not even trying to get away
Saftsuze > *cough*

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Loss

Let me tell you about heartache and the loss of God.
Wandering, wandering in hopeless night.
Out here in the perimeter there are no stars.
Out here we is stoned.
From "Stoned Immaculate" by The Doors (an ancient terran rock band)

Miura Bull has left us. Many have left us. But what really left us, is the soul. The spirits have wandered off to eternal asteroid fields light years away. They are restlessly wandering. Looking for a home. Inhaling star dust. Dreaming up new constructs. Failing to grasp reality. Bitterly cursing their origin. The loss of God. The heartache.

Out here. In the perimeter. This is where we rise. This is where we truly get to know who we are. This is the true purge. And it shall set us free!