Zen And The Art Of Spaceship Maintenance

This log entry should in no way be associated with that great body of factual information relating to orthodox Zen Buddhist practice. It's not very factual on spaceships, either. 1)

How do you define quality? Is it merely the temperature of the fluids that surrounds your clone? The level of comfort of your captain’s quarter’s sofa? Or is it your extensive knowledge of the inner workings of your spaceships, turrets and launchers? Might it be the taste of tears from those you aim those very weapons against? Or is it the tranquility of space as you float cloaked through the scenic solar systems in your expensive strategic cruiser?

I have struggled with this. I have always wanted to be good at what I do. But what is good when it comes to shooting other spaceships? Some strive towards ISK efficiency. Others are obsessed about their kill/loss ratio. Some pilots strive for profit in their adventures - and actually manage to pull it off. Certain capsuleers even spend time making graphs on different ammunition's damage output in regards to range and tracking and all that technical stuff. Somehow they even manage to translate that into actual piloting! Others don't like to actually fly their spaceships, but enjoy parking them at a gate, all geared up with sensor boosters, friendly backup and a network of scouts giving early warnings on anything scary.

Myself, I am trying to find a balance. A balance between the technical side of piloting and fitting your ship and the non-technical awareness of threats and opportunities and knowing your spaceship’s capabilities based on experience and feeling. A balance between worrying about statistics and ISK-loss and flying reckless for the greatest adrenaline kick and most spectacular explosions. A balance between good fights, adventure, easy kills and loot.

I am not the greatest when it comes to kill/death ratio or ISK efficiancy or pure number of kills. I don't make the most spectacular kills, and I am not always looking for the honourable good fight. Give me a mining Navitas and I will happily engage! But when I manage to find my balance between all those things, then I am the best pilot in all New Eden. When my hull is burning from a very close encounter, my death to kill ratio is on the positive side, I’ve ransomed a miner and I’ve given a hard lesson to a fresh pilot, then I am the most sexy moustached space bandit that ever terrorized New Eden.

Because it is the balance, my friend, that defines quality.

Have you found your intergalactic moment of Zen?

Intergalactic moment of Zen.

1) Blatant theft from the intro of the ancient terran classic novel “Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance” by Robert M. Pirsig. Oh, did I mention that the title of this log entry also... Oh, you got that? OK. Here is a terran short abstract of the novel. It is a good read, and should be read by many.

Lost In Translation

I am working on some new log entries, but today I just wanted to share this little conversation that took place in my ransom channel after I caught Mr. Arthie sleeping in a Velator in orbit around a planet. I stripped him off his Velator and asked kindly for a donation to keep his pod alive and healthy.

Saftsuze > Hello, Mr. Arthie
Saftsuze > Would you like to pay for keeping your pod alive?
slava Arthie > я не понимаю
Saftsuze > You want to be podded, you say?
slava Arthie > чево хочеш
Saftsuze > Ahh, "shoot me in the face"
Saftsuze > OK, will do.
slava Arthie > придурок
Saftsuze > Never mind, it's my job. But thanks!
slava Arthie > пошол ты нахрен
Saftsuze > Well, that is not standard procedure, but I am sure it could be arranged,
slava Arthie > иди нахуй
Saftsuze > Oh, you naughty boy!
slava Arthie > вали уже отсюда нахер достал

Recommended Scripts for Ancient Terran NeoCom Pocket Device

I have for a long time been using an excellent script called EVE Universe for my treasured Terran Apple iPhone Mark IV. This script is just getting better and better. The fitting tool makes long shuttle trips exciting and I get reports on wallet transactions and skill training and anything else I need to know from my associates. I can check my inbox and I can make basic skill plans. And a lot more.

If you have stumbled upon one of those Terran Apple Devices on your space travels, I highly recommend this script. And should you happen to install it, you should pay some Terran Currency to the maker for an ad free experience and then donate some more. Because he is doing an excellent job on constantly updating the script as New Eden scientists develop new modules, redesign ship blueprints and change fitting requirements.

The script called EVE Universe that I have installed on my Terran Apple iPhone Mark IV. 

Another script I have found myself using more and more, is the EVE Trader. Use this script for associates that are trading and you will not have to do any accounting to track your profitability as it gives you detailed reports. However, if you are using your trader as a shopping assistant for your personal hanger, then the reports will get messed up by items being contracted to yourself, as they will stay logged in the reports as bought, but never sold. So this script works best for your dedicated trading associates that transfers profit to you or a shopping assistant every now and then.

I recently got very inspired by Kirith Darkblades non-trained station trader and recruited one for my third licence in my main Capsuleers Agreement. I gave him 30 million ISK, but no time allocated for training, and after a busy week he was worth more than 60 millions. Having only 5 market orders in total makes it a more interesting and a much more mangable challenge. I like it!

Who you gonna call? THE TUSKERS!

“Apocalypse Navy Issue tackled in Jovainnon Solar System.”

The message to The Tuskers is brief and to the point. Not mentioning my current state of bliss and uncontrollable endorphins. I try my best to act like a cool, cold-blooded killer. Not just some overheated hothead riding rusty Rifters.

Let’s backtrack a little. Two minutes earlier I arrived Jovainnon in my - big surprise - Rifter. It was one of those strange moments when nothing seems to make sense. I had an Apocalypse Navy Issue on my directional scanner. And only two pilots in the local communications channel - except yours truly.

An Apocalypse Navy Issue. In Jovainnon. The single system between Aeschee, home of big scary ships, and Hevrice, home of the notorious and always actively hunting Tuskers. This is not a system you want to bring your most expensive ships without any support. So, I figure, this must be some kind of intricate trap beyond my comprehension. And, usually when I find a single battleship in a low security system, it is on a mission from some dodgy agent. And then I will need to get probes. But, I do what I always do when I find something: I pinpoint it's location with the directional scanner.

It is in a belt. A solo Navy Issue battleship floating all alone in an asteroid belt!

This is where my brain kicks in and starts working. Against me. A Navy Issue Battleship working for CONCORD’s meagre bounties for the local Serpentis? This can’t be true. I smell a rat. I stall. I don’t warp in. Then slowly, my brain starts to work with me. I am next to The Tuskers home. A group of pirates I have locked horns with on many occasions, but also have called in for backup whenever a target of opportunity has appeared. They are bad news, but they can be trusted. I make my communication channel with The Tuskers ready for input, and hurl my Rifter towards the belt. Apocalypse! Now!

There it is. This giant construction, most certainly made by Matari slaves, stationed between the rocks doing CONCORD’s dirty work. I overheat my afterburner and warp scrambler and the blood-rush is like nothing else I’ve felt for a long time.

This is when The Tuskers are informed about the trapped battleship. They respond at once. Within a few seconds, and after a few downed Hobgoblins, I receive an official invite to a Tuskers fleet. I accept and the fleet jumps into system and it all happens so fast that for a moment, that I panic and think I’m in a pod. The damage on my shields has suddenly disappeared from my HUD! And that, for me, usually means my ship has been stripped off my capsule. Well. Not this time. This time, it was actually my first experience of being remotely repaired by a logistics ship. You see... I fly solo.

Then the Tuskers scary looking front-man and public “face”, Suleiman Shouaa, asks me if I want to ransom or kill. They sure live up to their reputation as pirates of honor: They have all the power to do whatever they want with me and the Battleship-pilot, but still they want me to make the decision. I go for the kill. The pod, however, decides to turn down the offered ransom, and in retrospect the demand was a bit too high. But, hey, this guy looked like he had lots of kredits to burn since he was cleaning low sec belts in a Navy Issue. So, the offered ransom was not out of the blue.

The Tuskers public face. Suleiman Shouaa.

Then, a very polite Suleiman Shouaa hauls the loot to the nearest station and contracts me all of it. What a bunch of clean and polite pirates!

So, there you have it. If you ever happen to stumble upon The Tuskers: Treat them with the respect they deserve and you shall be rewarded. This applies whether you are one of their unlucky customers, a fellow pirate of honor or a roaming scumbag scavenger like myself.

I wish the fleet good luck and warp to a safe to cool down and analyze my current situation. This month is turning out to be one of my most ISK efficient months ever. It started with a very big explosion when some fellow pirates of the Molden Heath loop had caught a Thanatos and invited everyone to participate in killing it. I was next door in a bomber and  managed to jump in and get a few volleys of torpedos into its burning hull. Then Alex “Jaguar God” Medvedov caught a Sleipnir but needed more damage to break its tank. I suicided a Rupture against it’s shields and armour and that made the difference and the loot value replaced my ship. And then I found the already mentioned Apocalypse Navy Issue. Add a few assault frigates and a battleship or two to the kill list, and you will understand I am having good times!

My associates are doing a good job with all kinds of endeavours, and even though I am loosing too many ships at the moment, the ISK situation is better than it has ever been before. So maybe it is time to order a stack of Jaguars?

Propaganda

Alekseyev wears the same jacket as me. He got my vote - despite that clean shaven upper lip.

A short log entry. I do not write about politics on this log. But today I docked in a station somewhere in Molden Heath and did what every capsuleer concerned with shooting down other capsuleers should do: I voted for Alekseyev Karrde for CSM7.

Go vote. Then undock.

Culinary Corner: Rectal Skunk Lunch

As a fine dining enthusiast, I must say that gourmet discussions in the local communication channel are always appreciated:

Ravior Letam > eeey... saftsuze... whats up, stupid bitch?
Saftsuze > Just eating my lunch and enjoying the scenery :)
Ravior Letam > Ah really? whats it today? roadkilled skunk up the ass like always?
Saftsuze > Yeah, skunk is a favourite. And of course I eat with my ass. Saves time for digestion.

A few days earlier I disrupted his corporation’s massive mining op in a low sec system. I was in a tiny Firetail, but even their Loki warped to safety behind a force field as I entered system. I blew up 7-8 cans filled with ore before they warped in a Harbinger to the asteroid belt. I figured I had done what could be done, and moved on for some action in another system that had been reported by my fellow Rebels. A bit later I returned to the mining op in a stealth bomber, hoping to snag a Covetor or something similar. But, again, as I entered system, they all gathered behind a force field and then swiftly abandoned system.

That was a short little log entry. Now I'm gonna go and grab some lunch.

Overheat Scram, Receive Bacon

The Rifter makes a hard break at the safe spot. The directional scanner have just given an intriguing analysis of the central cluster of belts. A Retriever class mining barge! Outside the range of CONCORDS cold hands. I have a hunch this one is not carelessly parked within a force field either, since the vessel is named after a rather recently graduated capsuleer - easily identified in the local communications channel. I do what i do and narrow him down to a single belt. In warp my brain starts wandering and I think of all the events since I returned from unconsciousness.

It started off with an episode quite like the one I was in right now. A Hulk made its appearance on my directional scanner and my greedy pirate soul started counting ISK. Sadly, the Rifter I was in was was fit for surprise and lacked the lethal damage output. Not the best thing to tackle a rather well tanked industrial with drone support. But I smelled a possible ransom and warped in on him. That netted me 70 000 000 ISK. Not as much I’d liked, but it was Christmas time and time to show Santasuze I can be nice too! And I did have some trouble breaking his tank, actually, so 70 000 000 ISK and no kill was a lot better than just no kill.

I’m still in warp. Should I ransom the Retriever? No. But lets ransom his pod!

Speaking of pods. I have cursed myself for not remembering to ransom scrammed capsules. There are a lot more expensive implants flying around than I thought. But, ransoming a pod isn’t always easy. A few days ago I had this “conversation” with a gentleman:

Saftsuze > How much would you offer for keeping your pod?
Ithan Evingod > Your rifter and any other ship I ever see you in again.
Saftsuze > I am not sure I understand, Mr. Evindog?
Saftsuze > You don't want to pay me some ISK for staying alive?
Saftsuze > Will I have to collect your frozen corpse instead?
Saftsuze > Conversation takes place when both parties actually says something....
Saftsuze > I guess your cold shoulder hints that you want to offer your frozen corpse for my collection.
Saftsuze > I thank you for your donation to the freezer, Mr. Evindog.

I’m landing in the belt. Retriever is happily mining. I am charging.

Even this easy target gets my blood pumping and gives me a slight taste of that delicious adrenaline rushing through my clone. But not as much as when you are fighting several enemies. A while back, on my way towards Eifer and the hunting grounds of Executive Pirate Extraordinaire, Mr. Kane Rizzell, I found three little Rifters playing outside a station. I figured that this could be a fun little tease. To my surprise they where all just 150 km or so away from the station, probably making insta-undock-bookmarks or something like that. That meant i could easily drag them out from the sentry guns protective area. And so I did, and they all lined up like lambs to the slaughter. Of course I did one of my usual stupid mistakes and podded one of them just inside of the station guns range. Just when I was looking this sexy I go ahead and explode myself. Silly me. But I shrugged it off, picked up another Rifter and went on and shot down the aforementioned Mr. Kane Rizzel. Feeling sexy again! He was kind enough to mention this very close Rifter fight in his excellent log of pirating. I could have sworn I was warping out my pod, instead it turned out to be my Rifter - or more correct: 10 percent of my Rifter.

Speaking of feeling sexy. I've had a very exciting mail arrive in my inbox! I am getting used to the compliments on my very handsome moustache - I mean, that is to be expected - but they are mostly from men. Funny, that in such a homophobic universe, where “gay” and “faggot” seems to be the most prominent term of abuse, I do get a lot of compliments from other men on my looks. But, I digress: A few weeks back I got an eve-mail sent to me and my CEO, Mr. Bull, that took me by surprise: It was fan mail! From girls in bikinis! Well, it might very well be male capsuleers dressed in bikinis, considering the observation above. But, I don’t really care for sexual orientation or cross dressing preferances: As long as I have actually inspired someone out there to live the only true life of freedom, then I am one happy outlaw solo pilot. So, please go visit those bikini girls and encourage their lifestyle - regardless of your prejudice about cross dressing - hey, they might even be real girls! I have recently been notified about the existence of TWO female Rebels that is not to be considered cross dressing male capsuleers. TWO real girl rebels!

Now, focus! I'm shooting down a mining barge! I guess I got a bit distracted by all this retrospective analysis, because the pod gets away! Damn, I was gonna ransom that pod! While picking up the loot I notice a jettisoned cargo container. A quick peek reveals ore for about 4 million ISK on the current regional market. This guy will come back. He does. Sadly, not in a hauler, but I got the pod and it was released for a very reasonable ransom.

I haul my loot to my safe spot and kick back to wait out the criminal countdown. I'm checking the Rebels communications channel for news, when I hear a strange noise. I think the directional scanner actually made a gasping sound as it revealed the latest result of a 360 degree full range scan: A battlecruiser of the Hurricane class, named after the pilot I had just released from my warp scrambler! A miner hellbent on revenge! My Rifter is already in warp and I preheat my scram, I want to make sure I catch this ‘cane. And so I do. But there is one thing I don’t do: Turn off the overheating of my scrambler. Doing lots of stupid stuff myself, I can easily confirm that the following strategy works: Always bet on stupid! So I play it cool with the no longer scrambled Hurricane:

MetallStill Beddelver > I want to save my hurricane.
Saftsuze > That is gonna be slightly more expensive.
Saftsuze > How much do you have to offer?
MetallStill Beddelver > 11 kk?
Saftsuze > 11 mill?
MetallStill Beddelver > Yes.
Saftsuze > OK, same procedure as last time.

If you don’t have a scram, just remember you can always scam!